Thinking

Thinking is a very tiring thing and I am all the time thinking but I don't know 

ANTI FEAR LIST THURSDAY

1. Down to the river dance and ultimate ham work out
2. Oreo run with Emma though cookie dough oreos are highly disappointing
3. Speed thrift with Emma
4. What Remains rehearsal and embarrassing notes
5. With Grant, sending Parker on a scavenger hunt 
6. Hannah and Parker trading clothes
7. Card from What Remains cast 
8. Interviewing Max
9. Getting Mrs. Pierson hooked on veggie straws
10. Sassy ride home with Caleb and his mom
11. Braden's rubberband belt
12. Pommelo
13. Shane's hair troubles
14. YOU GOOPED UP!
15. Skittish to abrasive
16. Trekking through snow to Thom's car. 
17. The way trekking is spelled
18. Hurried transport dinners between rehearsals
19. Learning how to size bras

ANTI FEAR LIST THURSDAY ANOTHER DOUBLE BATCH BECAUSE I FORGOT AGAIN.

1. Jam session to I'm Gonna Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight with Hava
2. Celebrating Mom's 50th
3. Starting Zoology and befriending the ball python
4. Mom's slides
5. Lovetacular with Emma and the GINORMOUS BOWL OF PINEAPPLE SHE SET BEFORE ME
6. Starlings in my window
7. Acquiring powerful purple capo and motivation guitar stand
8. Hoarfrost on the bus window
9. The Book Thief movie especially Max especially Rudy especially Liesel, ok ok especially everyone
10. Stealing Irish Cream with aunt Deb
11. "Now it's smooth sailing until we run into another car. That was bad wording." -Dad
12. The cookie dough oreos are coming but for now little walmart adventure with Leslie and Jesse and Johnny
13. Jimmy John's once more with Hannah!
14. Lugubrious the word
15. Strobel's growing compilation of names used toward me: Abigail , Fergus, Shades
16. Reading The Book Thief to uncle Bill and singing to him and falling asleep holding his hand
17. Adipose in zoology yay Doctor Who!
18. Lucrae 
19. Valentine's world domination plans with Kira
20. Breanna's white girl twerk
21. Arrested Development valentines
22. Reunion with the Pac and memories and the last true crew
23. Stroking Annie's outer thigh
24. HED HOG HEG HOG HEDGE HOGS CUTE

Uncle Bill stylin the purple :)

Uncle Bill

Uncle Bill passed away this morning around 5. 

I got to spend Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday with him and aunt Deb in the hospital. 

Deb thought it was outlandish to pay ten cents per Irish cream packet so she dumped 10 creamers in her little bit of coffee and stuffed 17 more packets in her pocket for good measure. She also made sure to stash away some cookies. We had a great time together full of laughs.

I stayed up until 4 am on Monday night beside Bill's bed. I sang whatever song came to mind for awhile, lots of choir songs, Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons, and even Allstar by Smashmouth. I read different passages from The Book Thief, my favorite book and a very beautiful fitting story. I fell asleep holding his hand and leaning against the bed for a half hour but my fallen asleep arm and the very hard chair weren't on my side. My nap reminded me of sleeping on Bill's back when he carried me around in the yellow toddler backpack in the keys. I'm not sure if I remember being carried or if I've just imagined based on the picture.

Bill didn't look like he was wasting away the way that other people do as they die. He was strong all through and was the prescense of the room rather than a victim of the room as other patients might be. I like to imagine what animal a person is like. At first as I looked at uncle Bill I thought lion. But that was far to common and male lions are lazy. I sifted through other big cats but they weren't right. 

I look at him as a Bison. His hair, as my aunt Deb said, was beautiful. His beard has always been there and it was great and welcoming. His arms were mighty and covered with burly hair. I held his warm hand for my own comfort, not just his. The sight of my uncle gave me an image of a Bison in repose. Great and big and strong, stern toward what he disapproved of, but inviting to the many that he loved. 

I want to capture that image in a painting of me facing Bison Bill, and his mountains in the background. I ordered a necklace of a bison and earrings of bison mid charge to honor and remember and keep him with me.

Thank you friends and family for the support you've given and please help me to continue to support my aunt Deb through the loss of her best friend. Bill will live on with her forever through spirit.

ANTI FEAR LIST THURSDAY DOUBLE BATCH BECAUSE I KEPT REMEMBERING AND FORGETTING LAST WEEK AND ULTIMATELY FORGOT

1. Grilled macaroni and cheese heaven
2. Blazer coffee
3. JCPenney with Dylan and Jesse and "what do ya think of dat outfit Tiffany?!" "that uuuugly"
4. Jesse's milk was broked
5. Andrew's impression of Mr. Foley
6. Reunite with my friend friend friend Ms. Rowsey
7. Giving Raoul the uni to woswe and making Mrs. Pierson cry out of revenge haha I cried too tho and then Mrs. Pierson's hug and embarrassing speech about me to the class
8. Felicia getting revenge on me and making me cry
9. Road trip to Alma with Andrew and the large herd of deer and mickey mouse Chinese buffet and mysterious train alarm 
10. Venturing around Alma for Meghan's keys for two hours
11. Convincing Meghan's friend I was a finnish exchange student
12. Dr. Hulme's talk on P Global and Model UN and Alma venture!
13. Big dang choral at Denny's and proceed to party sky lantern and cards against humanity at Jordan's
14. Doodle of Tom Bunyan John Newman
15. Having a body of the black woman with Emma
16. Did Mr. Kukla purposely go out in the hall for more than long enough for me to run across the top of the counter? probably
17. Mr Strobel going along with me trying to define hydro electricity as me viciously chugging water in the hope it would fuel the internet during journalism
18. Sophi accidentally came home with me yaaaay
19. Audition fun
20. Max doesn't remember me which is good
21. Using the boy bathroom pass
22. Loudly quoting toy story in class despite lack of other people appreciating it
23. Weird facial expression greeting to Mr. Kelly
24. Getting a late pass to Journalism because of social hour with Mrs. Weyhmiller and hearing of her janked up niece 

Space Roar

I just watched a Sci Show about the Space Roar and I feel like it's God.

ANTI FEAR LIST THURSDAY

1. Just now I got Jordan a batman hoodie and then he did a super cool driving maneuver, tried jumping my mom's truck, the battery wasn't the problem, and then drove me home
2. Scaring Erlinda while wearing the batman hoodie
3. Stealing a loser's pizza pasta
4. COLLASA CON
5. Burn Ziddy Burn
6. Popping bubble rap at new year midnight
7. Pulling POW Joey around icy van raalte hill and sledding with him and Raquel and Cassie
8. Watching frozen and eating dinner with my family, I want a real life Kristoff please
9. Munchkin adventure!
10. Convincing friends I have multiple personalities
11. Breaking up a drug deal
12. Running through winter night
13. Giving blood with Raquel and Joey and meeting Cathy